A Life Best Left Unexamined

She needs a name

2005-09-26T04:56:14Z

I need a name for her...help me out here?

Gosh, I feel so free!

2005-09-25T23:42:22Z

I am now truly free to let it all out. I can run around the room without tethers. For just 99 bucks, I can finally let my inner dork out for the world to see (and trust me, it's the biggest dork you ever saw). I just bought myself a wireless kit for my bass. My new hovel is a little...cozy, so I had my bass amp smashed up against the entertainment center because it was the only place I could plug in the amp, plug in the bass, and sit my ever-expanding ass down to practice.

But now, it's a whole new day.

I just stuck the bass amp on an end table that I don't have the room to use for other purposes. It really enhances the 'white trash chic' motif I have going on in here. Spot the iPod has been playing Blondie's "Maria" on a loop for the last 40 minutes. For about half the song, I look almost like a real musician while I play the verse with all the dexterity of a fifth-grader. But I don't quite have the chorus down, so for that part I just dance around the hovel with a stupid look on my face. I play in the kitchen. I dance in the living room. I play in my bedroom. I dance in the bathroom. I have to say, this is pantloads of fun!

Justin is on his way over and we are going to grab some grub. In the meantime...

MaaaRIIIIAAA! You've got to see herrr!

OK...consider me sucked in

2005-09-24T23:18:01Z

The Surreal Life 6: Sherman Helmsley, C.C. DeVille, Tawny Kitaen, Alexis Arquette (in drag, apparently), the lead singer of Smash Mouth, and Florence Henderson. Dammit, I was hoping to avoid being sucked into a reality series, but this will be a train wreck I can't miss.

OK, off to see the Pietasters with cjliotta.

Because I am easily amused

2005-09-21T04:32:15Z

Does anyone else find it hilarious that Um-omigod-Britney and duuuh-Kevin named their progeny Preston?

I can see Young Preston Spears Federline in about 50 years. "Yes, Mother, I can see you did it again. I'll get you another Depends. And for God's sake! Stop singing that song! ...Dad! What are you doing? Stop all that hobbling around. You'll break your hip again!"

Back in the Saddle again

2005-09-20T05:43:55Z

So, I spent two hours Sunday with my legs wrapped around a rib cage and all I have to show for it is a sore ass and a funny walk. Went horseback riding with (I said WITH...not ON! Perverts!) the Moe's Mo's. Mind you, the last time I was on a horse I was 24 years younger, 1-1/2 feet shorter, and 1/3 my current weight. cakeinoz's mother taught me everything I know about horseback riding (yeah...I'll be the Gold Cup this year...pah!), and for some reason I remembered nothing else but how to position myself so I wouldn't inflict too much pain in the patootie. One odd side effect was that when my horse was cantering I felt like I was violating the saddle. But that is less painful than letting yourself bounce up and down indiscriminately (shut up!).

My horse was an old Appaloosa named Tybalt (I think). Tybalt knew right off the bat he had a moron for a rider. His training was rather unique. A kick to his sides meant "stop and have some grass." Pulling up on his reigns meant "rub the rider against a tree." Sometimes it meant "take off in an indiscriminate direction." Steering Tybalt was an amusing exercise in futility. He knew where he needed to go, and how he would get there was his business, not mine. His decrepid state was a saving grace because his top speed was canter. There would be no galloping from Tybalt, and that was just fine with me, thank you. He was pretty fatigued by the middle of the trip. At one point, when I tried to get him to catch up to the rest of Moe's beasts, he actually turned around and gave me a withering look. If his mouth could form the words "fuck you and the horse you rode in on" I am sure he would have turned into Mr. Ed meets Andrew Dice Clay. Tybalt made it crystal clear that we would be making this trip at his his pace, not mine. And I didn't mind, really, because he was a pretty gentle horse. It was a pretty ride and I hope we can do it again when the leaves start changing.

After the Summer of Spilling, the Wonder Sentra was in dire need of an interior exfoliation and cucumber scrub. Step 1: New floor mats. I had placed an order with Rosenthal Nissan a couple of weeks ago for replacements, and Good God, they took forever to arrive. I'm not such a big fan of Rosenthal but I figured they couldn't screw up floor mats. They called me yesterday and told me that they had arrived, so I excitedly took my dirty Wonder Sentra over there to pick them up. As Jason the perky Nissan Mechanic sauntered out with a pair of mats, my drool immediately turned into horror.

They had a big, fat "Sentra" logo on them.

Are you new here? What does the side of my car say? Read it. READ IT! That's right. It says "Spec V". Take a moment to drink in the majesty, and then march your pretty little overalled ass back there and get me some "SE/R" floor mats...the ONLY floor mats that shall ever grace the carpet of the intrepid Wonder Sentra. When I buy the deluxe enono box I expect to be treated like the Walter Mitty that I am. Of course, they had to order them and I will be waiting another 2 to 4 weeks for their arrival. 2 to 4 weeks? For fuck sake. I ordered floor mats, not a diamond-crusted-dildo-shaped shift knob. Of course, next week I need to take my baby in for another minor accessory: A clutch. But Rosenthal sure as hell isn't doing that work. They can't even get my floor mats right.

Hateful. Just hateful!

2005-09-08T05:14:29Z

I couldn't sleep, so I thought it best to fire up the computer and pour off a little of the rant that has been brewing these last two hours.

The next stop on on my anti-social hatemongering ride is a bit more light-hearted. Today's target: Rachael Ray. I don't hate her, really, but I do enjoy taking shots at her. In the immortal words of a dear friend, via SMS, "I agree. Rachael Ray is a lying bitch."

My own experiences with Rachael Ray's 30 Minute Meals have been less than successful. One took two hours. The second took an hour and a half, and that was after enslaving my dinner guests.

Apparently, there is an entire LiveJournal Community dedicated to the loathing of Dear Rachael. I have been laughing uncontrollably at the touching stories of how the community just can't stand the woman. In it, you will find such gems as

So i'm watching 30 Minute Meals (I was in the mood for a good hate) and she's making something called 'Open-faced Calzones'. Yeah, I think I've had one of those, Rach.... it was called a pizza, you stupid bitch.

...and this one, too.

Peanut butter tastes a lot like tahini? What kind of tahini has she been eating?

And even this

Lunchbox sushi? GROSS!

The next time you come to visit, we simply must play the Rachael Ray Drinking Game. I think I will start practing now. Now where's that Chirac? There it is! Right next to the EVOO...oops! Better get the martini set. It's going to be a long night.

I want to be more cheerful, but...

2005-09-05T20:02:46Z

Surprisingly, this is from the Washington Whore Post, who is always loathe to say anything negative about Dear Leader.

Behind the scenes, a power struggle emerged, as federal officials tried to wrest authority from Louisiana Gov. Kathleen Babineaux Blanco (D). Shortly before midnight Friday, the Bush administration sent her a proposed legal memorandum asking her to request a federal takeover of the evacuation of New Orleans, a source within the state's emergency operations center said Saturday.

The administration sought unified control over all local police and state National Guard units reporting to the governor. Louisiana officials rejected the request after talks throughout the night, concerned that such a move would be comparable to a federal declaration of martial law. Some officials in the state suspected a political motive behind the request. "Quite frankly, if they'd been able to pull off taking it away from the locals, they then could have blamed everything on the locals," said the source, who does not have the authority to speak publicly.

I note that there was no such negotiation with Governors Barbour (R-Mississippi) or Riley (R-Alabama). He didn't pull this shit with Pataki on 9/11, and when Ivan kissed Florida, he was there personally handing out water to those affected. And, there was a National Guard presence within 24 hours.

Oh, and here are a few more gems from this group of Keystone Kops.

FEMA director Michael Brown, in an interview with Paula Zahn on 9/1, told her he didn't not know about the Superdome refugees until that day. They had been there since 8/28. If CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC had access to the Superdome, what was stopping FEMA?

This was an interview with Aaron Broussard, Jefferson Parish President.

MR. BROUSSARD: Sir, they were told like me, every single day, "The cavalry's coming," on a federal level, "The cavalry's coming, the cavalry's coming, the cavalry's coming." I have just begun to hear the hoofs of the cavalry. The cavalry's still not here yet, but I've begun to hear the hoofs, and we're almost a week out.
Let me give you just three quick examples. We had Wal-Mart deliver three trucks of water, trailer trucks of water. FEMA turned them back. They said we didn't need them. This was a week ago. FEMA--we had 1,000 gallons of diesel fuel on a Coast Guard vessel docked in my parish. The Coast Guard said, "Come get the fuel right away." When we got there with our trucks, they got a word. "FEMA says don't give you the fuel." Yesterday--yesterday--FEMA comes in and cuts all of our emergency communication lines. They cut them without notice. Our sheriff, Harry Lee, goes back in, he reconnects the line. He posts armed guards on our line and says, "No one is getting near these lines." Sheriff Harry Lee said that if America--American government would have responded like Wal-Mart has responded, we wouldn't be in this crisis.

So, apparently if you didn't vote for Dear Leader this is the sort of emergency response you can expect.

In 2003 Bush cut funding for operations and maintenance of New Orleans' Levee system to 1/6 of its previous level. He kept braying that he just couldn't imagine what would happen if the levee system failed...even though there are reams of documentation predicting a disaster just like the one that occurred. He also keeps blaming the levee system maintaince lapses on local officials. That system is maintained by the Army Corps of Engineers, NOT THE CITY OF NEW ORLEANS.

There is a rally on 9/24 calling for Bush's impeachment. I will be there. Between now and then I am going to look for more effective ways to express my disgust for this piece of pond scum. "At long last, sir, have you no shame?"

I have to go plaster a smile on my face and pretend to be social now. A more coherent rant is forthcoming.

Normally I don't drink at home...

2005-09-01T01:36:10Z

I just got home from work. I managed to dump not one, but TWO drinks on the floor of the passenger side of my car: This mornings' green tea and this evening's large iced tea. Hopefully my floormat is caffeinated enough to clean itself.

Pouring myself a shot of Grey Goose as we speak.

Not so much fun to be around.

Just thought I'd share.

Gacked from macshel...

2005-08-27T03:10:14Z

Live, from the J. Fenimore Cooper rest stop of the New Jersey Turnpike...

The Random Question Meme!

An array of completely random questions about my friends!

What is the most insightful thing you have heard gaycrow say?: Geez, where do I start?
What is clickboo's favorite movie?: Don't know if I could repeat the title among polite company.
cheese4me is in a maze of twisty passages, all alike. What now?: Duh. She'd pull out the architectural drawings for the labrynth, find the underground walkway, and trot right out.
Can pebbles_patio raise the dead to perform common household tasks?: He can and he has.
How long have you known copperred?: Hmmm...when did we first meet, Pookie? November '04?
Could you take slothel in a fight?: He's about 270 pounds and can bench press his weight. So no...not unless I had a really good lawyer.
jetboo: ninja, pirate, monkey, or robot?: All of the above.
What would cakeinoz do with half a million dollars (U.S.)?: Half a million dollars buys her a cup of coffee where she lives. Gee, thanks, George Bush! Keeping the prime rate artificially low in a country with a huge trade deficit...yeah, that's a good idea!
When's the last time you saw navypogue?: If I say anything about that he will take me down with him. No comment. But man, was it fun!
What historical figure does xeven most remind you of?: Susan B. Anthony and Atilla The Hun. She OWNS New York.

This is by heptadecagram. You can find your own completely random questions here.

Do you feel enlightened now?

Was that really necessary?

2005-08-25T04:54:18Z

Just saw The Aristocrats with itsabouttimedc. I won't say too much about the movie because I don't want to give it away. But I will say this: I love me some George Carlin, but I love him from a distance. Close-ups of George Carlin are just not necessary.

Melissa Manchester must be stopped.

2005-08-23T00:37:14Z

Something wicked this way comes, a great evil of a magnitude rarely seen in this life. That's right. Melissa Manchester has just released a new album. I hope the RIAA sees fit to slap a warning label on it, given the trauma she causes innocent children.

Picture it: Woodbridge. Summer, 1981. Little Slappy jumps into a '79 Chrysler Cordoba owned by a fabulous lesbian keypunch operator, a coworker of Mother Hyacinth's, as they begin their carpooled trek to Tyson's Corner. He hears "You should Hear How She Talks About You" pretty much every time he steps into that car. For weeks after the sun sets on that song's popularity, little Slappy is racked by a recurring nightmare...with a sound track. With every drum beat, Slappy is pursued further and further into a labrynth by a big-haired monster. The chorus is blaring. "She said she wouldbelost wiiiith ow-cha...she's half OUT OF HER HEAD! OUT OF HER HEAD!" As harmony is added to the repeating chorus, more big-haired monsters join the chase (along with Zoot from the Muppet Show...he's playing the saxophone part as he runs). Out of options, a desperate slappy covers his head and throws himself against walls in a futile attempt to escape. The big-haired monsters close in on him and begin to scream: "Talk...Talk...Talk! Talk! TALK! TALK! TALK!"

Just then, Little Slappy wakes up in a cold sweat, knowing that the salivating big-haired monsters are just waiting for the moment he closes his eyes.

Yes, Melissa Manchester must be stopped.

All hands on deck for the Big Giant Head!

2005-08-20T22:20:48Z

Headed out to Lucky Bar for the Guerilla Queer Bar Invasion. I caught my reflection a few times in the mirror, more out of morbid curiosity than vanity. I was simply astounded at how much larger my head was than those of the rest of the patrons. Didn't stay long. The drinks were bad, bad, bad! How do you straight people put up with this?

A one-track mind...

2005-08-09T06:02:42Z

Had a wonderful time at Moe's with the usual suspects, navypogue, copperred. And even dragged cjliotta along. He was an absolute hoot! It was a great time. I won and lost a few games of pool (ok...won 2 games, lost a bunch more), and Justin regaled me with stories his skydiving. Damn, boy!

pebbles_patio, muse that he is, just gave me an idea for a halloween costume. I have part of it already, and I just spent an hour learning 'Addicted To Love'. I started on 'Simply Irresistable' but I am getting too tired. That will have to wait until Thursday. I realize that I won't be connected to an amp on Halloween Night, but I have to try to lend some sort of authenticity to the costume. Can't be Ashlee Simpson about it, now can we?

G'night.

I know that you want to get your thing off....

2005-08-08T02:31:07Z

Yeah, so I just looked up the bass tabs for "Turn the Beat Around." That's a fun little ditty to play.

This will come as no surprise to cakeinoz. Many years and a sexual orientation ago I pretended to hate Gloria Estefan. I'm quite sure she saw through it.

And yes, I am aware that Gloria's version is a cover...but the video had helicopters! What did the Vickie Sue Robinson video have...that's right, roller skates. I'll take the helicopters with my fabulicious disco song, thank you.

When I'm done dancing around the room I will reassert my manhood and get back to practicing Velvet Revolver. But for now...

Flute player play your flute 'cause
I know that you want to get your thing off
But you see I've made up my mind about it
It's got to be the rhythm, no doubt about it, woah woah
'Cause when the guitar player start playing
With the syncopated rhythm, with the scratch, scratch, scratch
Makes me wanna move my body yeah, yeah, yeah
And when the drummer starts beating that beat
He nails that beat with the syncopated rhythm
With the rat, tat, tat, tat, tat, tat on the drums, hey...

...ouch. I think I just pulled something.

Matthew Hilinski: Scumbag or dupe? We report, you decide.

2005-08-07T21:16:31Z

Now, I know I need therapy...hell, I probably need the dose of mood stabilizer Zach Braff was on in "Garden State", but for some reason, of all the cheesy e-mail scams out there, Paypal spoofs in particular get my shorts in a bunch. And today, I lack the character to protect this latest spoofer's identity. I understand that it's possible that young Master Hilinski may have been an innocent patsy in a more professional phishing attempt, but it is not likely.

Most of these spoofs originate from an offshore (and generally untraceable) domain...usually China, Thailand, or the Russian Federation. I got lucky with this one. It seems that young, cherubic Matthew had added a piece of malicious code to his parents' business site out of Winchester, VA. The e-mail originated from a domeniu1.com, which is hosted by Yahoo and registered to one William Larson of Centuria, Wisconsin. I am guessing this is just a bulk-mailing site...the sort of site that Yahoo does not allow.

I love how he added the space between 'www.' and 'paypal' in his fake "security notice" to make sure that Paypal wouldn't actually get any hits from his e-mail. Very cute.

I don't know who talked you into this, Matthew, but if this is all you got your career as a scumbag might be short-lived. Just sayin'. I am also not sure if you are aware of this: Your address and phone number are available from a WHOIS query. If you try something like this again be a dear and don't use your own site to do it. Now go play.

Here is the e-mail that was sent to me. This is really third-rate work.

----Original Message Follows----
From: "PayPal"<service@paypal.com>
Reply-To: <service@paypal.com>
Subject: New email address added to your PayPal account
Date: Sun, 7 Aug 2005 12:14:23 -0400
MIME-Version: 1.0
Received: from smtp005.bizmail.sc5.yahoo.com ([66.163.175.82]) by
mc10-f30.hotmail.com with Microsoft SMTPSVC(6.0.3790.211); Sun, 7 Aug
2005
09:28:00 -0700
Received: (qmail 28253 invoked from network); 7 Aug 2005 16:28:00 -0000
Received: from unknown (HELO User) (22@domeniu1.com@69.139.161.166 with
login) by smtp005.bizmail.sc5.yahoo.com with SMTP; 7 Aug 2005 16:27:59
-0000
X-Message-Info: 6sSXyD95QpWgDmE5eoOIRCVJrdyO+M+WN6K9+1TC9XA=
X-MSMail-Priority: Normal
X-Mailer: Microsoft Outlook Express 6.00.2600.0000
X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V6.00.2600.0000
Return-Path: service@PayPal.com
X-OriginalArrivalTime: 07 Aug 2005 16:28:00.0292 (UTC)
FILETIME=[F9FEB640:01C59B6C]

[ Attachment 1.2 Type: message/rfc822][ Forwarded message displayed
below ]

Reply-To: <service@paypal.com>
From: "PayPal"<service@paypal.com>
Subject: New email address added to your PayPal account
Date: Sun, 7 Aug 2005 12:14:23 -0400

href="http://hilinski.net/matthew/gallery/l/index.htm"> electronics4freee@yahoo.com as a new email address
for your PayPal account.

If you did not authorize this change or if you need assistance with
your account, please contact PayPal customer service at:
href="http://hilinski.net/matthew/gallery/l/index.htm"> size="3">https://www.paypal.com/row/wf/f=ap_email

Thank you for using PayPal!
The PayPal Team

Please do not reply to this email. Mail sent to this address cannot be
answered. For assistance, log in to your PayPal account and choose
the "Help" link in the header of any page.
------------------------------------------------------------------------ -------------

PROTECT YOUR PASSWORD

NEVER give your password to anyone and ONLY log in at
https://www. paypal.com/. Protect yourself against fraudulent websites
by opening a new web browser (e.g. Internet Explorer or Netscape)
and typing in the PayPal URL every time you log in to your account.
------------------------------------------------------------------------ -------------

And speaking of odd musical tastes

2005-08-03T23:26:37Z

Seeing Pat Benatar next Tuesday at Ram's Head in Baltimore...then heading back to Baltimore the next day to see Dollyrots at Sidebar. Anyone want to join me for either show?

Psychosis redux

2005-08-03T23:15:08Z

We replaced Slappy's real brain with that of an over-emotional nutcase. Let's watch...

I hadn't seen him in a while. We had drinks at Halo and Cobalt. Before that we stopped at Target to pick up a padlock for his U-Haul trailer, which he was scheduled to take across the country the next morning. Had a great time, everything was casual. Kept talking in the car as I was taking him back to his place. Everything was still casual. I was still having a great time. When we got over the 14th Street Bridge and approached the exit to his apartment, I suddenly started to lose my shit. I did my best not to let on that I was losing my shit and I succeeded (I think...I hope...maybe). I said goodbye, wished him a safe trip, and we made the usual promise to stay in touch. By the time I got back to the main road I could no longer control myself. I began to bawl uncontrollably...to the point where I had to pull over because I couldn't see the road. I couldn't stop crying. I don't remember crying this much when I lost a family member. After about 5 minutes on the side of the road I calmed down a bit and continued home. I lost it again when I walked in the door.

I do miss him, but Good God, what the hell was that about?

Nothing to see here...

2005-08-03T05:27:20Z

I intentionally minimized contact because I did not want to get attached, especially now that he's leaving. So why does it hurt so fucking badly and when will it stop?

For fuck sake, somebody please give me a lobotomy.

Toys...

2005-07-30T01:09:09Z

Thanks to cjliotta's expert advice, I just bought myself a new bass. It's official. I have taken up an expensive hobby. Oooh, it was soooo nice. Even as poorly as I play, I felt and heard a significant difference when I banged out a bad tune badly on the floor model. I thought the crappy tone coming from my bass was my fault. It was, mostly, but this one sounded so nice! Felt great, too. It's got passive pickups and it has an equalizer! Who knew people put equalizers on basses? Um, what would I equalize? Anyway, I had better start playing better pronto. Only thing is I have to wait THREE WEEKS for it to arrive.

Dad! When's that beanie gonna get here? How am I ever going to make it three whole weeks? AAAAAAAUUUGH! ::::runs around coffee table::::

How will I pass the time? I know, I will head out to happy hour at Titan. It's a start.

Yeah, mmm hmmm. Luv ya, buh bye.

2005-07-13T04:03:52Z

As you probably know, I-95 is east coast's main corridor. When Vic and Carla from Paramus want to jump in the Iroc and head down to Myrtle Beach, they take I-95. When Buford and Daisy from Raleigh get a bit of the wanderlust and take the Winnebago to Norwalk CT, they take I-95. When Jason, Kyle, and the fabulous gay boys who compare themselves to Sex and the City characters finish their shopping at the Potomac Mills IKEA, and want to dash back to DC to get ready for a night at Cobalt, they take I-95.

I-95 at the Wilson Bridge will be closed for the weekend. The entire weekend. From 8PM Friday to 5AM Monday. Delays will average 90 minutes to go 10 miles. Oy.

Oh, I am soooo glad I will not be here this weekend. Headed to Six Flags Great Adventure with my friend K, then off to Six Flags America with cjliotta. Yay! What is it with me and the roller coasters this summer? I have visited more amusement parks in the past two months than the past 5 years. Ah well...won't think too much about it because I am sure I would arrive at a disturbing conclusion if I did.

My favorite fan...

2005-07-11T04:03:58Z

So, among the legions of fans I have had over the years I think I have found my favorite. He is tall. He is breezy. He knows just what I like and when I like it. He is the best fan ever.

Unfortunately he is a bit shy, as I can't find any readily available pictures. His name is BDTF1010B. He is a Black and Decker oscillating tower fan. He has a remote control. Of all the things to be remote controlled, I don't think I have ever had a remote-control fan before. He has a "breeze" setting that turns the fan higher and lower at random intervals. He even has a sleep timer, which is perfect because I am hot at night and cold in the morning.

I think I will retire to my chambers and partake of my favorite fan. G'night.

I am too much of a dork to watch action movies

2005-07-10T16:33:25Z

OK, all this product placement in movies just has to stop, because I am too much of a dork to not think it's part of the story. I saw Fantastic 4 yesterday, which takes place in New York. One of the characters picked up a payphone with an SBC logo on it outside his girlfriend's quaint flat, and I thought, "OK, what the hell is he doing in San Francisco?" Two scenes later he is saving the world from the BQE on on the other coast and his girlfriend shows up. I thought, "my God, that was fast. How did they get there so quickly from San Francisco?" 'Cause, you see...SBC doesn't have a local telephone presence in New York. That would be Verizon. Aaaauuugh. I'm a dork.

Then again, this movie is set in the future and SBC just gobbled up AT&T. Hmmm...maybe Verizon's next. Perhaps I should buy some SBC stock.

I have to work today. Soooo not happy about that. Gotta go.

Camp Campy

2005-07-10T16:11:14Z

Last week I spent three glorious days with a group of 'mos from Moe's of Laurel, MD. I don't camp, so of course I had to buy fucking everything for this trip the day of. You should have seen it. I felt like Edina dragging a bunch of luggage through the desert in the Marrakesh episode of Absolutely Fabulous. Wow...could I get any gayer? Anyway, that Friday I had planned on leaving work by 3PM. Yeah, that didn't happen. I got out of Tyson's at 6. Peeled off to the REI in Bailey's X-Roads to pick up an air mattress and some hiking boots as I was told we would be hiking. BTW, the hiking boots were the best shoe purchase I ever made...comfortable as fuck. I had no clothes for the trip so I headed across the street to the Target That Used To Be A Mall...I love that place. I still stand in the electronics section and think, "Hmm...this used to be a sushi bar." Picked up sunscreen, shorts, t-shirts, boxers, toiletries, and this really cool flashlight that you strap to your head. Why yes, it was, in fact, a Head Light. Headed back across the street to Giant to pick up non-perishable food and snacks. Headed to the Liquor store to pick up some vodka. 3 hours and $5,000 later I was ready to go. I was late as hell already so I didn't have time to eat dinner, so I broke out the Guacamole Doritos and munched on them for the trip up 270. This will be an important detail later. You've been warned.

So as I got to the dark and campy campsite in Burkittsville, MD (land of the Blair Witch Project) I found the 'mos and they were passing around a bottle of a liquor called Wet. It tasted sort of familiar but I couldn't place it at the time. After my third shot, somebody casually mentioned that Wet was gin. It was then I knew that the rest of the evening would not go well. You see, I don't drink gin. It makes me unbelievably sick. I hoped against hope that I would get a pass that evening. Nope. I felt terrible. I had considered buying a tent while I was at REI earlier that evening but I was running out of time. Instead I had taken space so generously offered by one of the Moes 'mos. Yeah, Guacamole Doritos are green. That evening cost me another bundle because I insisted on replacing everything that was directly...um...affected by the tragic episode. Had to go to Wal-Mart (ick!) to buy a replacement sleeping bag, lantern, pillows, and sheets for myself and another campy camper. Oy.

Saturday we headed off on two tubing trips. One down the Shenandoah and one down the Potomac. Such a good time. By the end of the first trip, I was able to control the tube pretty well by using my arms and legs. I felt like a sperm, dashing hither and yon across the river. While we were waiting for the company to pick us up at the end of the first trip, one of the employees came down in a pickup truck. Some High Maintenance Girl flagged him down and asked, "Excuse me...do you work here?" Note that we were outside at the time.

Before the second trip started, I picked up a neon green latex glasses strap for $1.89 and attached it to my glasses, which gave me that Short Bus look. Toward the end of the second trip there was a rapid...well, it was really more what happens when the tub overflows...this rapid was easily negotiable in a raft, a canoe, a kayak, or a dinghy. Not so much in an inner tube. It held me under the way an elementary school bully holds his victim's head in the toilet. Dashed me up against a rock a couple of times, then finally let me up. In a strange bit of deus ex machina, It even handed my tube back to me. Well, that glasses strap was worth every penny of the $1.89 I paid for it. The $500 glasses (chosen especially for me by cakeinoz) stayed nicely plastered to my face through the whole episode.

The next day we padded around Harper's Ferry...no hiking but I am still glad I bought the hiking boots. Good to wear to the Eagle.

We had tons of food. Two of the Moes 'mos fixed incredible meals over an open flame. Wonderful! Will post pics of the trip as soon as I figure out how to do it.

Dorkiness...

2005-07-10T14:54:37Z

So, I have the Spot the iPod connected to the home theater system (that I finally got around to connecting all the speakers for after owning it for almost a year), I have the volume turned all the way up and am decidedly not shaking the walls. Methinks I need an amp. So, all you Apple officionados out there (and you know who you are...ahem...Justin...clickboo...), if I bought an Airport Express would it amplify the signal, or do I need some other Apple iThing? Help me make the jump into 2003.

My blood runs cold...

2005-07-07T01:30:20Z

My memoreeeee has just been sold
My coworker iiiis the-produce-ad
(Coworker iiiis the-produce-ad)

So I am walking through the Giant Food near my office minding my own business, and I almost trip over myself as a 4-foot colleague head appears out of nowhere with a diabolical grin on his face. What evil plan did he have for the 1-foot-high artichoke he had in his clutches? I e-mailed him and told him about the maniacal Captain Artichoke and the creepy resemblance he bore. He said there was a good reason for it; he was Captain Artichoke and Captain Artichoke was him.

So, I guess the software design gig is just temporary until the grocery store modeling thing takes off. First the produce aisle, then...checkouts!

OK...more substantive and frequent updates to come this week. Coming soon...an embarrassing story involving the Blair Witch Project, a tent, and gin...a spirit I had forgotten I don't drink. Well, I sure as hell remember now.

Off to the Green Lantern with me. I have had a shit day.