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Slappy The Circus Freak

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She needs a name [Sep. 26th, 2005|12:54 am]
[Current Personality | artistic]
[ear candy |Blondie: Maria (and still!)]

What's her name? )
link7 salacious allegations|Oh, do tell!

Gosh, I feel so free! [Sep. 25th, 2005|07:22 pm]
[Current Personality | bouncy]
[ear candy |Blondie: Maria (still!)]

I am now truly free to let it all out. I can run around the room without tethers. For just 99 bucks, I can finally let my inner dork out for the world to see (and trust me, it's the biggest dork you ever saw). I just bought myself a wireless kit for my bass. My new hovel is a little...cozy, so I had my bass amp smashed up against the entertainment center because it was the only place I could plug in the amp, plug in the bass, and sit my ever-expanding ass down to practice.

But now, it's a whole new day.

I just stuck the bass amp on an end table that I don't have the room to use for other purposes. It really enhances the 'white trash chic' motif I have going on in here. Spot the iPod has been playing Blondie's "Maria" on a loop for the last 40 minutes. For about half the song, I look almost like a real musician while I play the verse with all the dexterity of a fifth-grader. But I don't quite have the chorus down, so for that part I just dance around the hovel with a stupid look on my face. I play in the kitchen. I dance in the living room. I play in my bedroom. I dance in the bathroom. I have to say, this is pantloads of fun!

Justin is on his way over and we are going to grab some grub. In the meantime...

MaaaRIIIIAAA! You've got to see herrr!
linkOh, do tell!

OK...consider me sucked in [Sep. 24th, 2005|07:13 pm]
[ear candy |Blondie: Maria (still trying to play it)]

The Surreal Life 6: Sherman Helmsley, C.C. DeVille, Tawny Kitaen, Alexis Arquette (in drag, apparently), the lead singer of Smash Mouth, and Florence Henderson. Dammit, I was hoping to avoid being sucked into a reality series, but this will be a train wreck I can't miss.

OK, off to see the Pietasters with cjliotta.
link4 salacious allegations|Oh, do tell!

Because I am easily amused [Sep. 21st, 2005|12:27 am]
[Current Personality | silly]
[ear candy |OK Go: A Million Ways]

Does anyone else find it hilarious that Um-omigod-Britney and duuuh-Kevin named their progeny Preston?

I can see Young Preston Spears Federline in about 50 years. "Yes, Mother, I can see you did it again. I'll get you another Depends. And for God's sake! Stop singing that song! ...Dad! What are you doing? Stop all that hobbling around. You'll break your hip again!"
link2 salacious allegations|Oh, do tell!

Back in the Saddle again [Sep. 20th, 2005|01:06 am]
[Current Personality | awake]
[ear candy |Better Than Ezra: A Lifetime]

So, I spent two hours Sunday with my legs wrapped around a rib cage and all I have to show for it is a sore ass and a funny walk. Went horseback riding with (I said WITH...not ON! Perverts!) the Moe's Mo's. Mind you, the last time I was on a horse I was 24 years younger, 1-1/2 feet shorter, and 1/3 my current weight. [info]cakeinoz's mother taught me everything I know about horseback riding (yeah...I'll be the Gold Cup this year...pah!), and for some reason I remembered nothing else but how to position myself so I wouldn't inflict too much pain in the patootie. One odd side effect was that when my horse was cantering I felt like I was violating the saddle. But that is less painful than letting yourself bounce up and down indiscriminately (shut up!).

My horse was an old Appaloosa named Tybalt (I think). Tybalt knew right off the bat he had a moron for a rider. His training was rather unique. A kick to his sides meant "stop and have some grass." Pulling up on his reigns meant "rub the rider against a tree." Sometimes it meant "take off in an indiscriminate direction." Steering Tybalt was an amusing exercise in futility. He knew where he needed to go, and how he would get there was his business, not mine. His decrepid state was a saving grace because his top speed was canter. There would be no galloping from Tybalt, and that was just fine with me, thank you. He was pretty fatigued by the middle of the trip. At one point, when I tried to get him to catch up to the rest of Moe's beasts, he actually turned around and gave me a withering look. If his mouth could form the words "fuck you and the horse you rode in on" I am sure he would have turned into Mr. Ed meets Andrew Dice Clay. Tybalt made it crystal clear that we would be making this trip at his his pace, not mine. And I didn't mind, really, because he was a pretty gentle horse. It was a pretty ride and I hope we can do it again when the leaves start changing.

After the Summer of Spilling, the Wonder Sentra was in dire need of an interior exfoliation and cucumber scrub. Step 1: New floor mats. I had placed an order with Rosenthal Nissan a couple of weeks ago for replacements, and Good God, they took forever to arrive. I'm not such a big fan of Rosenthal but I figured they couldn't screw up floor mats. They called me yesterday and told me that they had arrived, so I excitedly took my dirty Wonder Sentra over there to pick them up. As Jason the perky Nissan Mechanic sauntered out with a pair of mats, my drool immediately turned into horror.

They had a big, fat "Sentra" logo on them.

Are you new here? What does the side of my car say? Read it. READ IT! That's right. It says "Spec V". Take a moment to drink in the majesty, and then march your pretty little overalled ass back there and get me some "SE/R" floor mats...the ONLY floor mats that shall ever grace the carpet of the intrepid Wonder Sentra. When I buy the deluxe enono box I expect to be treated like the Walter Mitty that I am. Of course, they had to order them and I will be waiting another 2 to 4 weeks for their arrival. 2 to 4 weeks? For fuck sake. I ordered floor mats, not a diamond-crusted-dildo-shaped shift knob. Of course, next week I need to take my baby in for another minor accessory: A clutch. But Rosenthal sure as hell isn't doing that work. They can't even get my floor mats right.
link1 salacious allegation|Oh, do tell!

Hateful. Just hateful! [Sep. 8th, 2005|12:30 am]
[Current Personality | bitchy]
[ear candy |Blondie: Maria]

I couldn't sleep, so I thought it best to fire up the computer and pour off a little of the rant that has been brewing these last two hours.

The next stop on on my anti-social hatemongering ride is a bit more light-hearted. Today's target: Rachael Ray. I don't hate her, really, but I do enjoy taking shots at her. In the immortal words of a dear friend, via SMS, "I agree. Rachael Ray is a lying bitch."

My own experiences with Rachael Ray's 30 Minute Meals have been less than successful. One took two hours. The second took an hour and a half, and that was after enslaving my dinner guests.

Apparently, there is an entire LiveJournal Community dedicated to the loathing of Dear Rachael. I have been laughing uncontrollably at the touching stories of how the community just can't stand the woman. In it, you will find such gems as
So i'm watching 30 Minute Meals (I was in the mood for a good hate) and she's making something called 'Open-faced Calzones'. Yeah, I think I've had one of those, Rach.... it was called a pizza, you stupid bitch.
...and this one, too.
Peanut butter tastes a lot like tahini? What kind of tahini has she been eating?
And even this
Lunchbox sushi? GROSS!
The next time you come to visit, we simply must play the Rachael Ray Drinking Game. I think I will start practing now. Now where's that Chirac? There it is! Right next to the EVOO...oops! Better get the martini set. It's going to be a long night.
link7 salacious allegations|Oh, do tell!

I want to be more cheerful, but... [Sep. 5th, 2005|03:48 pm]
[Current Personality | livid]
[ear candy |Queensryche: Revolution Calling]

Surprisingly, this is from the Washington Whore Post, who is always loathe to say anything negative about Dear Leader.
Behind the scenes, a power struggle emerged, as federal officials tried to wrest authority from Louisiana Gov. Kathleen Babineaux Blanco (D). Shortly before midnight Friday, the Bush administration sent her a proposed legal memorandum asking her to request a federal takeover of the evacuation of New Orleans, a source within the state's emergency operations center said Saturday.

The administration sought unified control over all local police and state National Guard units reporting to the governor. Louisiana officials rejected the request after talks throughout the night, concerned that such a move would be comparable to a federal declaration of martial law. Some officials in the state suspected a political motive behind the request. "Quite frankly, if they'd been able to pull off taking it away from the locals, they then could have blamed everything on the locals," said the source, who does not have the authority to speak publicly.
I note that there was no such negotiation with Governors Barbour (R-Mississippi) or Riley (R-Alabama). He didn't pull this shit with Pataki on 9/11, and when Ivan kissed Florida, he was there personally handing out water to those affected. And, there was a National Guard presence within 24 hours.

Oh, and here are a few more gems from this group of Keystone Kops.

FEMA director Michael Brown, in an interview with Paula Zahn on 9/1, told her he didn't not know about the Superdome refugees until that day. They had been there since 8/28. If CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC had access to the Superdome, what was stopping FEMA?

This was an interview with Aaron Broussard, Jefferson Parish President.
MR. BROUSSARD: Sir, they were told like me, every single day, "The cavalry's coming," on a federal level, "The cavalry's coming, the cavalry's coming, the cavalry's coming." I have just begun to hear the hoofs of the cavalry. The cavalry's still not here yet, but I've begun to hear the hoofs, and we're almost a week out.
Let me give you just three quick examples. We had Wal-Mart deliver three trucks of water, trailer trucks of water. FEMA turned them back. They said we didn't need them. This was a week ago. FEMA--we had 1,000 gallons of diesel fuel on a Coast Guard vessel docked in my parish. The Coast Guard said, "Come get the fuel right away." When we got there with our trucks, they got a word. "FEMA says don't give you the fuel." Yesterday--yesterday--FEMA comes in and cuts all of our emergency communication lines. They cut them without notice. Our sheriff, Harry Lee, goes back in, he reconnects the line. He posts armed guards on our line and says, "No one is getting near these lines." Sheriff Harry Lee said that if America--American government would have responded like Wal-Mart has responded, we wouldn't be in this crisis.
So, apparently if you didn't vote for Dear Leader this is the sort of emergency response you can expect.

In 2003 Bush cut funding for operations and maintenance of New Orleans' Levee system to 1/6 of its previous level. He kept braying that he just couldn't imagine what would happen if the levee system failed...even though there are reams of documentation predicting a disaster just like the one that occurred. He also keeps blaming the levee system maintaince lapses on local officials. That system is maintained by the Army Corps of Engineers, NOT THE CITY OF NEW ORLEANS.

There is a rally on 9/24 calling for Bush's impeachment. I will be there. Between now and then I am going to look for more effective ways to express my disgust for this piece of pond scum. "At long last, sir, have you no shame?"

I have to go plaster a smile on my face and pretend to be social now. A more coherent rant is forthcoming.
link3 salacious allegations|Oh, do tell!

Normally I don't drink at home... [Aug. 31st, 2005|09:33 pm]
[Current Personality | seething]
[ear candy |Mary Prankster: Piss Off]

I just got home from work. I managed to dump not one, but TWO drinks on the floor of the passenger side of my car: This mornings' green tea and this evening's large iced tea. Hopefully my floormat is caffeinated enough to clean itself.

Pouring myself a shot of Grey Goose as we speak.

Not so much fun to be around.

Just thought I'd share.
link6 salacious allegations|Oh, do tell!

Gacked from [info]macshel... [Aug. 26th, 2005|11:04 pm]
[Current Personality | awake]
[ear candy |Mary Prankster: Mata Hari]

Live, from the J. Fenimore Cooper rest stop of the New Jersey Turnpike...

The Random Question Meme!

An array of completely random questions about my friends!

What is the most insightful thing you have heard [info]gaycrow say?
Geez, where do I start?
What is [info]clickboo's favorite movie?
Don't know if I could repeat the title among polite company.
[info]cheese4me is in a maze of twisty passages, all alike. What now?
Duh. She'd pull out the architectural drawings for the labrynth, find the underground walkway, and trot right out.
Can [info]pebbles_patio raise the dead to perform common household tasks?
He can and he has.
How long have you known [info]copperred?
Hmmm...when did we first meet, Pookie? November '04?
Could you take [info]slothel in a fight?
He's about 270 pounds and can bench press his weight. So no...not unless I had a really good lawyer.
[info]jetboo: ninja, pirate, monkey, or robot?
All of the above.
What would [info]cakeinoz do with half a million dollars (U.S.)?
Half a million dollars buys her a cup of coffee where she lives. Gee, thanks, George Bush! Keeping the prime rate artificially low in a country with a huge trade deficit...yeah, that's a good idea!
When's the last time you saw navypogue?
If I say anything about that he will take me down with him. No comment. But man, was it fun!
What historical figure does [info]xeven most remind you of?
Susan B. Anthony and Atilla The Hun. She OWNS New York.

This is by [info]heptadecagram. You can find your own completely random questions here.

Do you feel enlightened now?

link10 salacious allegations|Oh, do tell!

Was that really necessary? [Aug. 25th, 2005|12:51 am]
[Current Personality | amused]
[ear candy |Rob Thomas: This is How a Heart Breaks]

Just saw The Aristocrats with [info]itsabouttimedc. I won't say too much about the movie because I don't want to give it away. But I will say this: I love me some George Carlin, but I love him from a distance. Close-ups of George Carlin are just not necessary.
linkOh, do tell!

Melissa Manchester must be stopped. [Aug. 22nd, 2005|07:05 pm]
[Current Personality | scared]
[ear candy |Melissa Manchester: You should Hear...]

Something wicked this way comes, a great evil of a magnitude rarely seen in this life. That's right. Melissa Manchester has just released a new album. I hope the RIAA sees fit to slap a warning label on it, given the trauma she causes innocent children.

Picture it: Woodbridge. Summer, 1981. Little Slappy jumps into a '79 Chrysler Cordoba owned by a fabulous lesbian keypunch operator, a coworker of Mother Hyacinth's, as they begin their carpooled trek to Tyson's Corner. He hears "You should Hear How She Talks About You" pretty much every time he steps into that car. For weeks after the sun sets on that song's popularity, little Slappy is racked by a recurring nightmare...with a sound track. With every drum beat, Slappy is pursued further and further into a labrynth by a big-haired monster. The chorus is blaring. "She said she wouldbelost wiiiith ow-cha...she's half OUT OF HER HEAD! OUT OF HER HEAD!" As harmony is added to the repeating chorus, more big-haired monsters join the chase (along with Zoot from the Muppet Show...he's playing the saxophone part as he runs). Out of options, a desperate slappy covers his head and throws himself against walls in a futile attempt to escape. The big-haired monsters close in on him and begin to scream: "Talk...Talk...Talk! Talk! TALK! TALK! TALK!"

Just then, Little Slappy wakes up in a cold sweat, knowing that the salivating big-haired monsters are just waiting for the moment he closes his eyes.

Yes, Melissa Manchester must be stopped.
link2 salacious allegations|Oh, do tell!

All hands on deck for the Big Giant Head! [Aug. 20th, 2005|06:12 pm]
[Current Personality | amused]
[ear candy |Nickelback: Figured You Out]

Headed out to Lucky Bar for the Guerilla Queer Bar Invasion. I caught my reflection a few times in the mirror, more out of morbid curiosity than vanity. I was simply astounded at how much larger my head was than those of the rest of the patrons. Didn't stay long. The drinks were bad, bad, bad! How do you straight people put up with this?
linkOh, do tell!

A one-track mind... [Aug. 9th, 2005|01:53 am]
[Current Personality | silly]
[ear candy |Robert Palmer: Addicted To Love]

Had a wonderful time at Moe's with the usual suspects, navypogue, [info]copperred. And even dragged cjliotta along. He was an absolute hoot! It was a great time. I won and lost a few games of pool (ok...won 2 games, lost a bunch more), and Justin regaled me with stories his skydiving. Damn, boy!

[info]pebbles_patio, muse that he is, just gave me an idea for a halloween costume. I have part of it already, and I just spent an hour learning 'Addicted To Love'. I started on 'Simply Irresistable' but I am getting too tired. That will have to wait until Thursday. I realize that I won't be connected to an amp on Halloween Night, but I have to try to lend some sort of authenticity to the costume. Can't be Ashlee Simpson about it, now can we?

G'night.
link14 salacious allegations|Oh, do tell!

I know that you want to get your thing off.... [Aug. 7th, 2005|10:19 pm]
[Current Personality | bouncy]
[ear candy |Gloria Estefan: Turn the Beat Around Slappy Style]

Yeah, so I just looked up the bass tabs for "Turn the Beat Around." That's a fun little ditty to play.

This will come as no surprise to [info]cakeinoz. Many years and a sexual orientation ago I pretended to hate Gloria Estefan. I'm quite sure she saw through it.

And yes, I am aware that Gloria's version is a cover...but the video had helicopters! What did the Vickie Sue Robinson video have...that's right, roller skates. I'll take the helicopters with my fabulicious disco song, thank you.

When I'm done dancing around the room I will reassert my manhood and get back to practicing Velvet Revolver. But for now...

Flute player play your flute 'cause
I know that you want to get your thing off
But you see I've made up my mind about it
It's got to be the rhythm, no doubt about it, woah woah
'Cause when the guitar player start playing
With the syncopated rhythm, with the scratch, scratch, scratch
Makes me wanna move my body yeah, yeah, yeah
And when the drummer starts beating that beat
He nails that beat with the syncopated rhythm
With the rat, tat, tat, tat, tat, tat on the drums, hey...

...ouch. I think I just pulled something.
link6 salacious allegations|Oh, do tell!

Matthew Hilinski: Scumbag or dupe? We report, you decide. [Aug. 7th, 2005|04:13 pm]
[Current Personality | devious]
[ear candy |Pink: Don't Let Me Get Me]

Now, I know I need therapy...hell, I probably need the dose of mood stabilizer Zach Braff was on in "Garden State", but for some reason, of all the cheesy e-mail scams out there, Paypal spoofs in particular get my shorts in a bunch. And today, I lack the character to protect this latest spoofer's identity. I understand that it's possible that young Master Hilinski may have been an innocent patsy in a more professional phishing attempt, but it is not likely.

Most of these spoofs originate from an offshore (and generally untraceable) domain...usually China, Thailand, or the Russian Federation. I got lucky with this one. It seems that young, cherubic Matthew had added a piece of malicious code to his parents' business site out of Winchester, VA. The e-mail originated from a domeniu1.com, which is hosted by Yahoo and registered to one William Larson of Centuria, Wisconsin. I am guessing this is just a bulk-mailing site...the sort of site that Yahoo does not allow.

I love how he added the space between 'www.' and 'paypal' in his fake "security notice" to make sure that Paypal wouldn't actually get any hits from his e-mail. Very cute.

I don't know who talked you into this, Matthew, but if this is all you got your career as a scumbag might be short-lived. Just sayin'. I am also not sure if you are aware of this: Your address and phone number are available from a WHOIS query. If you try something like this again be a dear and don't use your own site to do it. Now go play.

Source of the scumbag's silly phishing attempt )
link2 salacious allegations|Oh, do tell!

And speaking of odd musical tastes [Aug. 3rd, 2005|07:24 pm]
[Current Personality | blah]
[ear candy |Semisonic: Singing In My Sleep]

Seeing Pat Benatar next Tuesday at Ram's Head in Baltimore...then heading back to Baltimore the next day to see Dollyrots at Sidebar. Anyone want to join me for either show?
link3 salacious allegations|Oh, do tell!

Psychosis redux [Aug. 3rd, 2005|06:50 pm]
[Tags|]
[Current Personality | confused]
[ear candy |Velvet Revolver: Fall to Pieces]

We replaced Slappy's real brain with that of an over-emotional nutcase. Let's watch...

Long, stupid story short... )
link11 salacious allegations|Oh, do tell!

Nothing to see here... [Aug. 3rd, 2005|01:26 am]
[Tags|]
[Current Personality | melancholy]

psycho ramblings...move on )

For fuck sake, somebody please give me a lobotomy.
link3 salacious allegations|Oh, do tell!

Toys... [Jul. 29th, 2005|08:51 pm]
[Current Personality | bouncy]
[ear candy |Garbage: Bad Boyfriend]

Thanks to cjliotta's expert advice, I just bought myself a new bass. It's official. I have taken up an expensive hobby. Oooh, it was soooo nice. Even as poorly as I play, I felt and heard a significant difference when I banged out a bad tune badly on the floor model. I thought the crappy tone coming from my bass was my fault. It was, mostly, but this one sounded so nice! Felt great, too. It's got passive pickups and it has an equalizer! Who knew people put equalizers on basses? Um, what would I equalize? Anyway, I had better start playing better pronto. Only thing is I have to wait THREE WEEKS for it to arrive.

Dad! When's that beanie gonna get here? How am I ever going to make it three whole weeks? AAAAAAAUUUGH! ::::runs around coffee table::::

How will I pass the time? I know, I will head out to happy hour at Titan. It's a start.
link3 salacious allegations|Oh, do tell!

How do you spell 'Chump'? S-L-A-P-P-Y [Jul. 27th, 2005|11:52 pm]
[Current Personality | annoyed]
[ear candy |Ozzy Osbourne: Desire]

So.

The week before last, my friend K. and I went to Philadelphia. There I had a lovely time with a very nice man. We met at an after-hours place called Ty's, closed that place, moved our conversation to Rittenhouse Square and a ended with a great breakfast at Little Pete's.

He called me the next morning to thank me for a lovely evening. He called again on Monday. He called again on Wednesday. It was then I decided that I liked Philly enough to go back. So, I reserved another room at the Doubletree at Broad and Locust for the following Saturday. Good Lord, hotel rooms are cheap up there.

I called him and let him know that I had arrived and would pick him up whenever he was ready. Nothing. I returned a piece-of-crap iPod FM transmitter that I had purchased from the Staples in Philly the week before. No call. Took a shower back at the room. No call. Left a message, "Well, it's 8:00...should I wait until 8:30 or take the hint now and save myself some time?" No response. Headed out on my own and had an orgasmic dinner of seared scallops with white beans and shrimp at a place called Sotto Varalla (I think). I then proceeded to Woody's and the Bike Stop. The prick, with some guy on his arm, interrupts my conversation with somebody else, punches my shoulder...as if I hadn't trying to get a hold of him for 3 hours...and walks out.

What. The. Fuck.

Holy Mindfuck, Batman. No matter, I still had a great time by myself in Philly and am always looking for an excuse to return...despite Prick Boy's best efforts.

Was this premeditated, or did something better come along while I was in transit? And if you were planning on ditching me earlier on, why call attention to yourself?

Asshat.
link2 salacious allegations|Oh, do tell!

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