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Slappy The Circus Freak

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She needs a name [Sep. 26th, 2005|12:54 am]
[Current Personality |artisticartistic]
[ear candy |Blondie: Maria (and still!)]

What's her name? )
link7 salacious allegations|Oh, do tell!

Gosh, I feel so free! [Sep. 25th, 2005|07:22 pm]
[Current Personality |bouncybouncy]
[ear candy |Blondie: Maria (still!)]

I am now truly free to let it all out. I can run around the room without tethers. For just 99 bucks, I can finally let my inner dork out for the world to see (and trust me, it's the biggest dork you ever saw). I just bought myself a wireless kit for my bass. My new hovel is a little...cozy, so I had my bass amp smashed up against the entertainment center because it was the only place I could plug in the amp, plug in the bass, and sit my ever-expanding ass down to practice.

But now, it's a whole new day.

I just stuck the bass amp on an end table that I don't have the room to use for other purposes. It really enhances the 'white trash chic' motif I have going on in here. Spot the iPod has been playing Blondie's "Maria" on a loop for the last 40 minutes. For about half the song, I look almost like a real musician while I play the verse with all the dexterity of a fifth-grader. But I don't quite have the chorus down, so for that part I just dance around the hovel with a stupid look on my face. I play in the kitchen. I dance in the living room. I play in my bedroom. I dance in the bathroom. I have to say, this is pantloads of fun!

Justin is on his way over and we are going to grab some grub. In the meantime...

MaaaRIIIIAAA! You've got to see herrr!
linkOh, do tell!

OK...consider me sucked in [Sep. 24th, 2005|07:13 pm]
[ear candy |Blondie: Maria (still trying to play it)]

The Surreal Life 6: Sherman Helmsley, C.C. DeVille, Tawny Kitaen, Alexis Arquette (in drag, apparently), the lead singer of Smash Mouth, and Florence Henderson. Dammit, I was hoping to avoid being sucked into a reality series, but this will be a train wreck I can't miss.

OK, off to see the Pietasters with [info]cjliotta.
link4 salacious allegations|Oh, do tell!

Because I am easily amused [Sep. 21st, 2005|12:27 am]
[Current Personality |sillysilly]
[ear candy |OK Go: A Million Ways]

Does anyone else find it hilarious that Um-omigod-Britney and duuuh-Kevin named their progeny Preston?

I can see Young Preston Spears Federline in about 50 years. "Yes, Mother, I can see you did it again. I'll get you another Depends. And for God's sake! Stop singing that song! ...Dad! What are you doing? Stop all that hobbling around. You'll break your hip again!"
link2 salacious allegations|Oh, do tell!

Back in the Saddle again [Sep. 20th, 2005|01:06 am]
[Current Personality |awakeawake]
[ear candy |Better Than Ezra: A Lifetime]

So, I spent two hours Sunday with my legs wrapped around a rib cage and all I have to show for it is a sore ass and a funny walk. Went horseback riding with (I said WITH...not ON! Perverts!) the Moe's Mo's. Mind you, the last time I was on a horse I was 24 years younger, 1-1/2 feet shorter, and 1/3 my current weight. [info]cakeinoz's mother taught me everything I know about horseback riding (yeah...I'll be the Gold Cup this year...pah!), and for some reason I remembered nothing else but how to position myself so I wouldn't inflict too much pain in the patootie. One odd side effect was that when my horse was cantering I felt like I was violating the saddle. But that is less painful than letting yourself bounce up and down indiscriminately (shut up!).

My horse was an old Appaloosa named Tybalt (I think). Tybalt knew right off the bat he had a moron for a rider. His training was rather unique. A kick to his sides meant "stop and have some grass." Pulling up on his reigns meant "rub the rider against a tree." Sometimes it meant "take off in an indiscriminate direction." Steering Tybalt was an amusing exercise in futility. He knew where he needed to go, and how he would get there was his business, not mine. His decrepid state was a saving grace because his top speed was canter. There would be no galloping from Tybalt, and that was just fine with me, thank you. He was pretty fatigued by the middle of the trip. At one point, when I tried to get him to catch up to the rest of Moe's beasts, he actually turned around and gave me a withering look. If his mouth could form the words "fuck you and the horse you rode in on" I am sure he would have turned into Mr. Ed meets Andrew Dice Clay. Tybalt made it crystal clear that we would be making this trip at his his pace, not mine. And I didn't mind, really, because he was a pretty gentle horse. It was a pretty ride and I hope we can do it again when the leaves start changing.

After the Summer of Spilling, the Wonder Sentra was in dire need of an interior exfoliation and cucumber scrub. Step 1: New floor mats. I had placed an order with Rosenthal Nissan a couple of weeks ago for replacements, and Good God, they took forever to arrive. I'm not such a big fan of Rosenthal but I figured they couldn't screw up floor mats. They called me yesterday and told me that they had arrived, so I excitedly took my dirty Wonder Sentra over there to pick them up. As Jason the perky Nissan Mechanic sauntered out with a pair of mats, my drool immediately turned into horror.

They had a big, fat "Sentra" logo on them.

Are you new here? What does the side of my car say? Read it. READ IT! That's right. It says "Spec V". Take a moment to drink in the majesty, and then march your pretty little overalled ass back there and get me some "SE/R" floor mats...the ONLY floor mats that shall ever grace the carpet of the intrepid Wonder Sentra. When I buy the deluxe enono box I expect to be treated like the Walter Mitty that I am. Of course, they had to order them and I will be waiting another 2 to 4 weeks for their arrival. 2 to 4 weeks? For fuck sake. I ordered floor mats, not a diamond-crusted-dildo-shaped shift knob. Of course, next week I need to take my baby in for another minor accessory: A clutch. But Rosenthal sure as hell isn't doing that work. They can't even get my floor mats right.
link1 salacious allegation|Oh, do tell!

Hateful. Just hateful! [Sep. 8th, 2005|12:30 am]
[Current Personality |bitchybitchy]
[ear candy |Blondie: Maria]

I couldn't sleep, so I thought it best to fire up the computer and pour off a little of the rant that has been brewing these last two hours.

The next stop on on my anti-social hatemongering ride is a bit more light-hearted. Today's target: Rachael Ray. I don't hate her, really, but I do enjoy taking shots at her. In the immortal words of a dear friend, via SMS, "I agree. Rachael Ray is a lying bitch."

My own experiences with Rachael Ray's 30 Minute Meals have been less than successful. One took two hours. The second took an hour and a half, and that was after enslaving my dinner guests.

Apparently, there is an entire LiveJournal Community dedicated to the loathing of Dear Rachael. I have been laughing uncontrollably at the touching stories of how the community just can't stand the woman. In it, you will find such gems as
So i'm watching 30 Minute Meals (I was in the mood for a good hate) and she's making something called 'Open-faced Calzones'. Yeah, I think I've had one of those, Rach.... it was called a pizza, you stupid bitch.
...and this one, too.
Peanut butter tastes a lot like tahini? What kind of tahini has she been eating?
And even this
Lunchbox sushi? GROSS!
The next time you come to visit, we simply must play the Rachael Ray Drinking Game. I think I will start practing now. Now where's that Chirac? There it is! Right next to the EVOO...oops! Better get the martini set. It's going to be a long night.
link7 salacious allegations|Oh, do tell!

I want to be more cheerful, but... [Sep. 5th, 2005|03:48 pm]
[Current Personality |angrylivid]
[ear candy |Queensryche: Revolution Calling]

Surprisingly, this is from the Washington Whore Post, who is always loathe to say anything negative about Dear Leader.
Behind the scenes, a power struggle emerged, as federal officials tried to wrest authority from Louisiana Gov. Kathleen Babineaux Blanco (D). Shortly before midnight Friday, the Bush administration sent her a proposed legal memorandum asking her to request a federal takeover of the evacuation of New Orleans, a source within the state's emergency operations center said Saturday.

The administration sought unified control over all local police and state National Guard units reporting to the governor. Louisiana officials rejected the request after talks throughout the night, concerned that such a move would be comparable to a federal declaration of martial law. Some officials in the state suspected a political motive behind the request. "Quite frankly, if they'd been able to pull off taking it away from the locals, they then could have blamed everything on the locals," said the source, who does not have the authority to speak publicly.
I note that there was no such negotiation with Governors Barbour (R-Mississippi) or Riley (R-Alabama). He didn't pull this shit with Pataki on 9/11, and when Ivan kissed Florida, he was there personally handing out water to those affected. And, there was a National Guard presence within 24 hours.

Oh, and here are a few more gems from this group of Keystone Kops.

FEMA director Michael Brown, in an interview with Paula Zahn on 9/1, told her he didn't not know about the Superdome refugees until that day. They had been there since 8/28. If CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC had access to the Superdome, what was stopping FEMA?

This was an interview with Aaron Broussard, Jefferson Parish President.
MR. BROUSSARD: Sir, they were told like me, every single day, "The cavalry's coming," on a federal level, "The cavalry's coming, the cavalry's coming, the cavalry's coming." I have just begun to hear the hoofs of the cavalry. The cavalry's still not here yet, but I've begun to hear the hoofs, and we're almost a week out.
Let me give you just three quick examples. We had Wal-Mart deliver three trucks of water, trailer trucks of water. FEMA turned them back. They said we didn't need them. This was a week ago. FEMA--we had 1,000 gallons of diesel fuel on a Coast Guard vessel docked in my parish. The Coast Guard said, "Come get the fuel right away." When we got there with our trucks, they got a word. "FEMA says don't give you the fuel." Yesterday--yesterday--FEMA comes in and cuts all of our emergency communication lines. They cut them without notice. Our sheriff, Harry Lee, goes back in, he reconnects the line. He posts armed guards on our line and says, "No one is getting near these lines." Sheriff Harry Lee said that if America--American government would have responded like Wal-Mart has responded, we wouldn't be in this crisis.
So, apparently if you didn't vote for Dear Leader this is the sort of emergency response you can expect.

In 2003 Bush cut funding for operations and maintenance of New Orleans' Levee system to 1/6 of its previous level. He kept braying that he just couldn't imagine what would happen if the levee system failed...even though there are reams of documentation predicting a disaster just like the one that occurred. He also keeps blaming the levee system maintaince lapses on local officials. That system is maintained by the Army Corps of Engineers, NOT THE CITY OF NEW ORLEANS.

There is a rally on 9/24 calling for Bush's impeachment. I will be there. Between now and then I am going to look for more effective ways to express my disgust for this piece of pond scum. "At long last, sir, have you no shame?"

I have to go plaster a smile on my face and pretend to be social now. A more coherent rant is forthcoming.
link3 salacious allegations|Oh, do tell!

Normally I don't drink at home... [Aug. 31st, 2005|09:33 pm]
[Current Personality |angryseething]
[ear candy |Mary Prankster: Piss Off]

I just got home from work. I managed to dump not one, but TWO drinks on the floor of the passenger side of my car: This mornings' green tea and this evening's large iced tea. Hopefully my floormat is caffeinated enough to clean itself.

Pouring myself a shot of Grey Goose as we speak.

Not so much fun to be around.

Just thought I'd share.
link7 salacious allegations|Oh, do tell!

Gacked from [info]macshel... [Aug. 26th, 2005|11:04 pm]
[Current Personality |awakeawake]
[ear candy |Mary Prankster: Mata Hari]

Live, from the J. Fenimore Cooper rest stop of the New Jersey Turnpike...

The Random Question Meme!

An array of completely random questions about my friends!

What is the most insightful thing you have heard [info]gaycrow say?
Geez, where do I start?
What is [info]clickboo's favorite movie?
Don't know if I could repeat the title among polite company.
[info]cheese4me is in a maze of twisty passages, all alike. What now?
Duh. She'd pull out the architectural drawings for the labrynth, find the underground walkway, and trot right out.
Can [info]pebbles_patio raise the dead to perform common household tasks?
He can and he has.
How long have you known [info]copperred?
Hmmm...when did we first meet, Pookie? November '04?
Could you take [info]slothel in a fight?
He's about 270 pounds and can bench press his weight. So no...not unless I had a really good lawyer.
[info]jetboo: ninja, pirate, monkey, or robot?
All of the above.
What would [info]cakeinoz do with half a million dollars (U.S.)?
Half a million dollars buys her a cup of coffee where she lives. Gee, thanks, George Bush! Keeping the prime rate artificially low in a country with a huge trade deficit...yeah, that's a good idea!
When's the last time you saw [info]navypogue?
If I say anything about that he will take me down with him. No comment. But man, was it fun!
What historical figure does [info]xeven most remind you of?
Susan B. Anthony and Atilla The Hun. She OWNS New York.

This is by [info]heptadecagram. You can find your own completely random questions here.

Do you feel enlightened now?

link10 salacious allegations|Oh, do tell!

Was that really necessary? [Aug. 25th, 2005|12:51 am]
[Current Personality |amusedamused]
[ear candy |Rob Thomas: This is How a Heart Breaks]

Just saw The Aristocrats with [info]itsabouttimedc. I won't say too much about the movie because I don't want to give it away. But I will say this: I love me some George Carlin, but I love him from a distance. Close-ups of George Carlin are just not necessary.
linkOh, do tell!

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